Self Appraisal of a Broken Heart

This is hard.

Much harder than I expected.

For the first time I am not in control.

Not that I’m a control freak, I do usually know what’s happening around me, my brain would think and analyse, and my heart to feel and sense.

But not this time, neither my brain nor my mind is working, my mind is blank, and my feelings are numb.

What’s happening?

Here’s what I know –

We were in love, for 3 years, I thought he’s the one in my life.

Then he got transferred to US 11 months ago, we didn’t give up, we carried on.

He texted to break up this Feb, 4 weeks later I arrived his apartment, self invited.

I want him back.

He doesn’t.

So the end should be pretty obvious then, there’s not much room for confusion or ambiguity. If this was happening to anyone else I would have screamed and shouted at that person and tell her to let go. I have screamed and shouted at myself, but it didn’t work. In the end I flew all the way from one side of the Pacific ocean to the other, searching for the answer that I may not get; In the end, I screamed at shouted at him, for letting it go.

That’s just stupid, of me.

Yes, I’m aware, I know it’s stupid, yet I’d rather be stupid.

I also know by coming over and had few text exchanges with his new romance, I’ve made his days difficult and myself top of his black list. It wasn’t my intention, somehow I just couldn’t think of anything else, I was angry, desperate, so another act of stupidity.

One third of my holiday has gone, although only a week, felt like a lifetime. He must have felt worse. I also realize if I leave now he would be much happier (or rather less grumpy), and his days could be much simpler (I am not sure about his life, life is always complicated). But no, I can’t leave. I’m too afraid. I don’t really know what exactly I’m afraid of, I am just scared, too scared to leave. As if I leave now, I’d fallen into an abysm of misery.

Coward, a dreadful coward.

It seems his hostility has gone, ever since my meltdown two nights ago. My facade of acting tough finally crumbled, I had to walk out his apartment, but only realized there was nowhere to go. That moment of solitude, was overwhelming.  That moment, I was terribly, terribly, weak. I still am.

I found a couple of video clips from the Take That concert night on my phone, someone in the work group chat must have had sent these to me and I must have had been too busy to watch or even notice these were sent.  What an inconvenient moment to watch them now, the lyrics woke up every single trace of sadness in me. I wept. Later an Adele song came on radio, more weeping… And after all these times I thought all love songs were silly?!

I read all the inspiring quotes, I’m sure they are right, I agree I shouldn’t let this define me and my future, I agree I deserve better.

But why, why I still can’t let it go?

Alas, I wish it was that easy, that simple, that logical.

“You will be in love many times in life, but only one love will burn your soul forever” – is this the one burning my soul?

 

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